grandma shit on top of the toilet
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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