Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
