Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
