ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize