does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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