So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
