This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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