I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
