Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
