I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
