Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
