Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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