I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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