Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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