Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize