Already got asked if we're dating
he thought i was a dude.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
