why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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