I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize