i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
