Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
