mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
