you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dignity is for republicans.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
