Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
