I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
