Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
