That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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