are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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