I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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