I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
