My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
