ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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