saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
