I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
