Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
