I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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