tell your sister to shave her snatch
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
