I just pynch a tree in the face
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We just shotgunned beers for America
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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