Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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