I want to have your abortion
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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