I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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