oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
