Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
