i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
