You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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