I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
