There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
