I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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