My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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