I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize