his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
