oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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