They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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