Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
