I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize