You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
