remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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