i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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