I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
