I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
